What We Were Taught About Sex — and What God Actually Intended

By Grant & Stephanie Gardner

The Silence That Shaped Us

For many of us raised in church culture, sex was one of those topics whispered about in hallways but shouted about from pulpits.

The message was simple: “Don’t.”

Don’t look. Don’t touch. Don’t think. Don’t cross the line.

We were taught rules, not relationship. Fear, not formation. The world around us said “go wild,” while the church said “don’t you dare.”

And somewhere in between, silence filled the gap — a silence that shaped how we viewed our bodies, our desires, and even our worth.

The Purity Message That Missed the Point

God’s call to purity was never the problem. The problem was how we defined it.

We made purity about behavior instead of transformation.

About virginity instead of value.

We were told that staying “pure” meant staying “clean.” But what about those who had already crossed a line? What about the ones who never heard that God still wanted them, still called them beautiful, still saw them as whole?

“Purity culture taught us how to say no, but not how to say yes in holy love.” — Sheila Wray Gregoire

We learned to suppress desire instead of steward it.

We were told to stay pure, but no one told us how to celebrate holiness.

And so, when the wedding night came, many couples discovered that shame had followed them down the aisle.

Rediscovering God’s Design

God didn’t create sex as a trap to avoid—it was His idea, His design, His gift.

When Scripture says, “The two shall become one flesh,” it’s not just biology—it’s sacred unity.

Sex is meant to connect, not condemn. To delight, not divide.

When we replace the voice of fear with the truth of God’s Word, everything changes.

We begin to understand that:

• Desire isn’t the enemy—disconnection is.

• Purity isn’t lost—it’s redeemed.

• Pleasure isn’t worldly—it’s worship when rooted in love and covenant.

The Work of Unlearning

If what you were taught about sex left you confused or ashamed, hear this truth: you’re not broken. You’re being renewed.

God doesn’t just heal hearts; He heals stories. He redefines what the enemy distorted.

You can unlearn shame. You can relearn freedom. You can talk openly with your spouse and invite God into the most intimate places of your marriage.

“When we replace the voice of culture with the truth of God’s Word, healing begins.” — Jackie Hill Perry

It’s time to replace silence with truth.

Fear with grace.

Guilt with gratitude.

Because everything God made—including sex—He called good.

Closing Thought

Sex was never meant to be the symbol of guilt—it was meant to be the song of grace.

God’s design for intimacy was never about performance, but about presence.

Let’s reclaim it—with honor, joy, and freedom.